You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
