smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
