the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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