I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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