I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
