she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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