I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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