the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
