i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
