Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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