Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize