I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
