Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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