You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
