Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
