I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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