it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
