We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
