Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
