My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
