Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
