are you so shy because you have an std?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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