I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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