Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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