I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
