Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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