I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize