Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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