i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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