this beer tastes like vomit already
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
