He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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