my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
