There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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