from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
