you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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