quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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