last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
