I think my vagina is haunted
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
