I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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