I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
