And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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