I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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