The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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