Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
