Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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