I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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