final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
