We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize