In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
