Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize