when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
