she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
