Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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