Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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