can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
