I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
