I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
