it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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