when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
