There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
