I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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