his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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