i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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