Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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