How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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