my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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