Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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