are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
