Screwed.edu
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
