Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
